Chronicle of Law Chronicles

Documenting the retention of the Cardiff University IMG Title. I (Tuesday) have collected all Law Chronicle match reports to create a bumper edition of the 22/23 season. Full appreciation to James Clement who spent his hungover Thursdays creating content for us degenerates.

Enjoy the reading and Uppa Law x

Explicit Language Warning (Sorry Nan x).

Law A 6 - 0 Medics 3s

Luca ⚽️⚽️

Moody ⚽️

Jonny ⚽️

Northing ⚽️

Pat ⚽️

Where do I start with that performance from the As. We certainly made tougher work of that game than was necessary in the opening 20-30, but once we got into our rhythm they couldn’t get near us. We showed some brilliant fighting spirit and customary law shithousery which all the freshers bought into superbly. Elliott Moody almost made a bloke cry by saying how shit his beard was - absolutely no relevance to the game, just thought it was funny.

The back 4 were as solid as I was when I saw the return of J Raff to Pontcanna fields, a sight for sore eyes certainly. Tuesday (Owen Whines) was in uncharted territory being out on a Wednesday but was largely untroubled bar one brilliant save, just learn where the edge of your box is next week, as with the ball at his feet no spectator at a law game is safe. There was a lot of rotation in midfield, and everyone impressed. With his Essex accent and slicked over hair Patrick McManus looked like a young Mark Noble patrolling the midfield, and as the weeks go on I’m more and more convinced Alex Mills could play in a pair of slippers and with a cigar in his mouth. Joe Robinson and Teddy Donegan sent a few lads for a taxi once they came on, and Jacob Stafford will continue in midfield as otherwise he’s benching me, and I’m not doing a Varley all season.

Oh and seeing as we scored 6, the front three weren’t bad either.

There were some stand out performances for sure. Luca Williams had their LB on skates, I’ve not seen someone deal with a right winger so poorly since Keir Starmer was at PMQs throughout Covid (bit of political humour for the intellectuals of the group there). The poor bloke looked like he wanted to cry at full time, although I’ve been informed it wasn’t even the worst molestation of a left back at Pontcanna yesterday afternoon (cc: Daniel Fitzgibbon). Tom Northing was an absolute engine in midfield, as he seemed to want to cover every blade of grass in Cardiff, which he proved later in the night by trekking halfway across Cathays to go to his exes house. Silly boy.

MOTM - had to go to Daniel Flower however. Our Brexit Ashley Cole was immense at the back and put a worldy ball in for Lucas second goal. Plus he brought his own fan club down so take notes boys.

DOTD - was an easy decision as he doesn’t help himself, but for his 20 minute cameo that involved a shanked shot that entered the forest behind the pitch and going down more times that his mum on a Saturday night, it is obviously our very own 4th year fresher Sam Moss.

Law A 4-1 Pharm A.C

Jonny ⚽️ ⚽️

Robbo ⚽️

Luca ⚽️

We turned up to a beautifully warm pontcanna with a depleted squad this week, with only 13 men available, and so we knew a big shift would be required by all. Jacob Stafford had unfortunately done his groin two stepping in live lounge, Alex Mills tweaked his quad playing a 5 yard pass at powerleague and Elliott Moody has glass ankles (otherwise he’d be semi pro as he wouldn’t stop telling me and Tom Northing the other night, bet every girl in the SU heard that last year). Ben Stolworthy missed the game through work which I’ve been reassured won’t happen again. Was gonna give him a bollocking but as soon as I saw how he looked in that dress at social, how could I be mean to that curvaceous arse.

We had maybe the most thorough warm up IMG has ever seen to ensure no one got injured despite rabbit holes on the pitch bigger than Daniel Flower’s arse (fucking huge by the way, 1 pint tops). I felt there was a slight bit of complacency in the squad, as we didn’t shift the ball around the pitch as I know we can. We were making hard work of a game against lads that were absolute pony technically, but to their credit were grafters, and had apparently brought an inmate from HMP Cardiff down to give it large on the sidelines in the thickest valleys accent I’ve ever heard. Nevertheless, between the attempted Hollywood passes and Patrick McManus being the definition of “good feet for a big lad”, Sam Moss managed to press their centre half into knocking the ball into the path of Jonny Bridges who rolled past the keeper to put law one to the good. In fact that’s a lot of what mossy did yesterday, and to his credit for all the stick we give him he worked hard. He’s like a little terrier, constantly running, thinks he’s a bigger dog than he is, and would lick his own arse if he could.

We went into half time at 1-0, and I moderately got my Neil Warnock on, with more F bombs dropped than in a Gordon Ramsey kitchen. The issues to rectify were simple, and the lads quickly responded. The 20 minutes after half time was easily our best spell of the game, and we soon got our rewards. Joe Robinson was rewarded for a great performance after stabbing in from a long throw than a more deceiving bounce than that of Oliver Moore’s arse in his dress. (Apologies for the continued use of the bum jokes, comedy well is really running dry this week). Luca Williams soon got himself a goal with a lovely chip over the goalkeeper from the edge of the box, before Jonny added a second from a tight angle. We then preceded to - for lack of a better term - be absolute pricks for the remainder. Time wasting, kicking the ball away, giving verbals to the pharmacy entourage on the sideline, we’re not making any friends in IMG this year. To their credit they were good banter, and god knows I wouldn’t want to listen to Moody chat shit for 90 minutes. Admittedly we were poor for the last 10 and concentration slipped. We conceded a goal that would result in a broken controller if you conceded it in FUT Champs, as the ball ballooned off the crossbar onto the head of their striker, leaving Owen Whines as stranded as Jesse on a crowd search at 2am in the SU. All in all not the most satisfying performance, but 3 points is 3 points. Dan impressed at the back yet again, whilst Teddy Donegan had a great impact off the bench.

MOTM: After a stellar display in midfield on his first start and chipping in with a goal, Joe Robinson earned his Dragon Soop courtesy of Christian Whales this week.

DOTD: Despite the performance being poor in patches, no one really stood out as being shit. Therefore on the basis of getting a horrific trim and being generally annoying Dick of the day naturally went yet again to Sam Moss.

Law A 9-2 BioScience

Luca ⚽️⚽️

Jonny ⚽️

Mossy ⚽️

Chaisty ⚽️

Moody ⚽️⚽️

Christian ⚽️

Teddy ⚽️

After what’s felt like an eternity, the A’s returned to the carpet of pontcanna to give a lecture in liquid football. The pitch resembled an ice rink (as their LB found out courtesy of what I can only describe as a footballing molestation by Luca Williams) and with Elliott Moody’s missus making a belated appearance, as the black eyed peas once said, I gotta feeling - that things were, as bootlegger once said, gonna get fucking tasty baby.

I should add that the day began with a startling message to my Snapchat a few hours before kick off from Mr Moody himself. This was not a declaration that his plastic ankles had snapped again as I suspected, but instead a plea to start on the basis that his missus was going to be in attendance. It’s a bit like on career mode when you get those annoying players in your inbox begging to get minutes, and this made my selection dilemma all the easier, as this resigned him to the bench. Hopefully this has let you all know that any girl related demands for starts will be met with a strict no.

After that debacle, we were lucky enough to have all 17 players available, and all played their part. Unfortunately 10 minutes in I had to remove myself due to the flaring up of an injury sustained to my foot on a night out in Bristol the other week. As per usual Franklin James was pissing me off about something and so in retaliation I struck him with a kick to the bollocks - apparently with such severity that I bruised my foot. This meant that Jacob Stafford entered the fray, and provided a very strong performance. As for the play on the pitch, we bossed things from minute one, and played some of the best stuff I’ve ever seen a law side play. Luca quickly earned a pen and proceeded to showboat to the opposition that we didn’t even need a freebie goal by twatting it onto the crossbar. From now on Moody will be brought on for all pens - apologies mate.

Much like a Daniel Fitzgibbon interview on a night out, a goal was inevitable. Luca was keen to avenge his miss, and skinned his man like a butcher skins a pig far more times than was necessary before wrapping a beautiful strike into the top corner. Absolute humiliation for the LB, who’d have thought Luca could do that on essentially one knee. This was the opening of the floodgates, as Jonny Bridges quickly nipped in with a well taken second. There was enough space in the BioSci midfield to drive a bus through, and Alex Mills and Patrick McManus looked like Xavi and Iniesta if they smoked 30 a day. Joe Robinson was playing through balls with the detail and intricacy of his insta DMs, and Sam Moss soon got on the end of a long ball to slide a finish under the keeper.

As painful as it is to admit, this was arguable Mossys best performance in 3 and a half years  at law, good thing he’ll be hear for another 2 years to follow it up. It wasn’t long until Robbo skipped round the keeper like Tom Northing swerving a fresher in the SU, before unselfishly squaring to Luca for his brace. It seemed like the midfield and attackers were having all the fun, and so the full backs wanted in. Daniel Flower put in some very tasty tackles prompting Joe to keep referring to him as a “proper left back” on the sideline. If Julian Dicks and Andy Robertson had a love child with the temperament of a teddy bear, it would be our Dan. Louie Chaisty took things a step further, deciding to have a dig from 35 yards. The unfortunate thing was it was right down the keepers throat. The fortunate thing was that the keeper couldn’t save a PowerPoint. Half time: 5-0 Law.

I was so far up their arses at half time the boys looked like puppets, and rightly so, we’d played some liquid football. The only thing I stressed was the importance of keeping our foot down and keeping a clean sheet. It was of no surprise then that roughly 20 seconds into the half, Chaisty brought down their winger to give away a penalty, which BioSci duly dispatched. We then had comfortably our worst spell of the game for around 15 minutes, and so I sacked off trying to play like Guardiola and channelled my inner Sean Dyche, going four four fucking two. Elliot proceeded to attempt a DiCanio at the back stick in front of his missus and scuffed it, before normal service was resumed.

Penniot Poody scored a pen before Christian Whales got off the mark for Law with a lovely low driven finish. To his credit, Elliot then tucked away a lovely 20 yard volley, and could’ve had a hat trick, but unselfishly squared it to Millsy who couldn’t put on the breaks fast enough, prompting cries of “30 agility” from Chaisty and Will Oldale. A slight lapse in concentration and a winger that scampered past our back a la Gareth Bale vs Barca 2014 dinked over Owen Whines. That’s the issue with games on a Wednesday not a Tuesday. There was still time for the last of the frontmen to get on the scoresheet, as Teddy absolutely intentionally shanked a cross over the head of the keeper. Full time: Law 9-2 BioSci.

MOTM: I still can’t believe I’m writing this after back to back Dick of the Day shouts but Sam Moss put in a great shift and earned his goal. I think he’s been hitting the treadmill as I’ve never known him to have so much energy. Must have been the thought of a post SU shower keeping him going.

DOTD: Despite getting a brace off the bench, I’m afraid it comes with the territory of begging for a start in front of his missus who then decided to go town instead of watching the start of the game, Elliot Moody.

Law A 7-4 Encap

Pat ⚽️⚽️

Mossy ⚽️⚽️

Tom ⚽️

Jonny ⚽️⚽️

We begin with another voyage aboard HMS piss the league for the As, as we entered our final game in phase 1. We rocked up to by far the worst pitch in pontcanna with some severely sore heads after England had taken the courtesy of sending Wales packing the night before. Despite this, Encap had so far failed to register a win this season, and so we thought it should be a run of the mill win.

I’ll admit I was certainly guilty of some complacency, I believe the words “they’re fucking shite lads, let’s wrap them up in 20” were said during the team talk. As a result, we had as poor of a start as we’ve had this season, with the referee awarding an indirect free kick for a back pass within 5 minutes, which unfortunately bobbled into our far corner. It became evident that this game was not going to be quite so straightforward.

Thankfully we began to find our rhythm, despite their striker who’s head resembled a pineapple pressing us with the intensity of Mills to fresh in Revs on a Wednesday night. It wasn’t long before we were level, with Pat shanking a volley into the top corner with more accuracy than his recent betting activity. Mills had been offered a superboost of 250/1 for him to score and wake up in Taly on Thursday, but unfortunately hit the bar from 25 yards allowing Pat to follow in and put us 2-1 up. I then had to take the courtesy of scything down their striker when he was 1 on 1 after a successful press from the pineapple, calling for shouts of a red. Silly freshers, there’s never been cards in IMG.

After this, we started to improve and played some good football at times. Luca and Chaisty linked up on the right like a prime Dani Alves and Lionel Messi - if Dani Alves was a part time boxer and Lionel Messi loved a crowd search in the SU. Mossy then added a third - ngl I can’t remember what it was like so can only assume it was a shite tap in. Sorry mate.

Despite being 3-1 we were very unsatisfied with our performance as I felt we were getting out worked. Some changes were made, and I felt that we were about to switch on.

Annoying, despite some improved phases, the second half offered more of the same for long periods. Mossy soon decided to get his brace with actually a very well taken finish from a cross from Luca whilst me and Skully screamed at him to take a touch. Tom then added a fifth with a volley that the keeper let through his fingers like Revs bouncers allowing 3-4 pink shirts through the doors every Wednesday. It wasn’t long until we switched off again, as we overcommitted at a corner and Encap ran through to slide under Whinesy. A word to the wise lads, anytime someone’s through on goal in IMG just bring them down, unless they’re in the box. To be fair though, we weren’t helped by Encap bringing on IMGs answer to Luis Suarez. He then decided to wrap an unreal volley in from about 30 yards. Fair play lad, 5-3.

I should mention at this point that not only does this bloke study Law, but he also knows Mossy from home, so I’m putting his goals down to him. Also try to tap him up pls xoxox.

Before we knew it, he’d completed his hat trick to bring the game to 5-4, and it looks like we were about to experience the biggest bottle of the day (which given how myself joe and Tom ended our nights is a big statement). However, Jonny decided to come on and bag a brace, one of which was one of the most IMG goals I’ve ever seen, as the keeper twatted it against his shins from 10 yards out. Full time 7-4.

MOTM: For the second game running, Sam Moss was unplayable. From tracking back to the most unorthodox yet tidy finishes you’ll ever see, it was yet another big shift from the plastic scouser.

DOTD: I gave this (possibly harshly) to the rest of us collectively, as against sides in phase 2, we’ll get seriously punished going through the motions in the way that we did. Thankfully our quality got us through and we’ll draw a line under it.

Law A 2-0 Cricket

Moody ⚽️

Luca ⚽️

Well well well, phase 2 could not have started with a tastier fixture on paper, as we geared up for the who-hates-Hashir Farouk-more-derby. Rumour has it losers had to maintain custody of him every Wednesday for the rest of the year, so that’s the real bragging rights.

Not sure he’s posted on socials about it quite enough, but Louie Chaisty did have the small matter of absolutely battering some bloke in front of 2000 of the best dressed students on Cardiff plus me and mossy. As a result, hearing that he had actually chundered onto the bar in Revs afterwards, Tom returning home at 3 with Joe, a girl that pied joe, hash, and Howard’s ex (no packed lunch this time), I was a bit nervous that for a second week in a row, sore heads might work against us. How wrong I was.

We started absolutely immensely, with Mossy laying a marker in early doors with a tackle that would look more at home in an MMA octagon. This made him public enemy number one for the boys on blazers who gave him some justifiable stick. For the first 25 we didn’t give them a sniff, although without creating a huge amount ourselves.

Tom had our best early chance, as Luca pulled back brilliantly, only for Tom’s left peg to be weaker than his SU game. Pat also had a header that’s still coming down from a corner, but it became obvious we were creating the better chances.

Then with about 5 minutes left of the half, Pat felt a slight breeze behind him in the box and decided to go over, resulting in the ref pointing to the spot. The last time we had a pen with Penniot Poody off the pitch Luca decided to start his night out early and hit the bar, and so I made a deal with Poody. As such, he made a 10 second cameo to duly dispatch the pen, before griddying right in front of the travelling fans. Cricket controllers would be through their desks if it was FUT champs.

There was disagreement as to whether or not the ref had blown his whistle before Elliot took the pen, and the Cricket boys clearly hadn’t settled, as almost straight from kick off, Robbo latched onto a through ball before squaring to Luca to tap home into an empty net. Absolute limbs.

At half time I stressed the importance of it being half a job. We were dealing with what Cricket and their “ringers” had to offer, and were creating some good chances. It was important we kept doing what we were doing.

And keep going we did. There was arguably a bit less quality in the second half from both sides as legs tired, but we battled for every ball like our lives depended on it. Credit to you boys, subs included, everyone was absolutely immense. Some debatable offside calls denied both Tom and Luca, but we were able to manage the game superbly.

I will have one moan however. I appreciate the standard of refereeing in IMG can be incredibly suspect at times, especially in games like yesterday, but we really need to tone down how we speak to the refs. All it takes is for one ref to go to IMG about our behaviour and we’d be kicked out the league straight away. Plus, as reffing on a week you could be staying in the warm and getting on the beers early is a thankless task, it’s unnecessary.

That aside, comfortably our best performance of the season. Immense performances across the board which made the following a bit difficult.

MOTM: On the basis that he won a boxing match, violated the revs bar with his stomach acid and absolutely pocketed their winger, it had to be Chaisty. Special mention to Flower who did equally a good job on the other winger, both centre backs who didn’t lose a header, and Robbo for deputising immensely well up top. Genuinely think you track more more as a striker than as a midfielder mate.

DOTD: Seeing as I only had one pint the night before thinking I was being sensible and still being too ill to play I’ll give it to myself, although I heard some shouts for Moody for the obvious.

Law A 1-1 Gym Gym

Jonny ⚽️

We all woke up on Wednesday for what felt like the first game we’ve had not on a hangover in years. Pat and Mossy were late as per - gonna have to start enforcing some punishments for that lads because without a warmup Mossy is stiffer than Tom Northing on the SU dance floor. Despite having no feeling in our hands or toes I will now be strictly enforcing a “no underlayer” rule for the back 4 specifically. Shirts tucked in, studs freshly sharpened, Brexit means Brexit. For the nicest bloke in IMG Dan Flower looked aggressively bang up for it which made me harder than the frozen pitch.

Despite this, we started poorly. I’ll happily admit I personally was dog wank for the opening 15-20, I personally blame it on Skullys high line as at full tilt I look like I’m running through quicksand. Despite this we slowly grew into it, as it became apparent that Gym Gym were also bang up for it, although I couldn’t tell you a word they said all 90 - even some of you Welsh boys on the sideline couldn’t make out a word. We started winning our headers and tackles at the back, with Chaisty once more looking imperious against his opposite number. Mossy continued to fly into some disgraceful tackles harder than he flies into the DMs of girls who almost definitely have sexual diseases, which eventually gave the referee no choice but to ask me to sub him off. Need to watch some of those, although serious credit to the referee, he didn’t get everything right but was comfortably the best ref we’ve had all season.

Right as we were growing into the game we gave away a very sloppy goal from a corner, which in truth Gym Gym deserved. Not to name names as to who’s man it was, but I’ve seen Millsy do better marking jobs in live lounge. In some ways we were fortunate to go into half time at only a goal down, as we were being outworked at times. Elliot had turned up after his tutor meeting just to sniff around for any penalties that might be lurking as we discussed what we needed to improve. For a good footballing side we weren’t keeping the ball as I know we can, and we went into the second half much improved.

Straight away our intensity improved. Robbo made an impact from the bench and genuinely produced 2 of the greatest first touches IMG has ever seen from 2 long balls from Owen. Speaking of, we’re gonna have to scrap the nickname of Tuesday and start calling him Wednesday because Christ did he make some cracking saves from a flurry of set pieces opportunities. We will definitely be training after Xmas and defending set pieces is going to be priority numero uno.

It wasn’t long until we had a proper opening, with Tom floating down the right hand side like Jordan Henderson for England to float a lovely cross to the back stick for Jonny to volley home. From here we had a very strong 20 minute spell. Mills and Pat started to win every second ball in midfield and played some lovely balls through to Luca and Robbo, but we couldn’t quite find the final touch to get our noses in front. Speaking of noses, everyone keep an eye on Ben Jordan in the middle of the SU, comfy life ban offence that is mate.

Then with around 20 to go, Chaisty found himself the wrong side of his man, allowing him to drive at Skully, and the slightest touch brought him down for what I thought was a very soft penalty. Right as it looked like all our hard work to get level was about to be undone, I remembered a certain superboost Jesse had offered Tuesday before the game: penalty save anytime 33/1. And if there’s one thing I know about Jesse, it’s that he loves to shithouse winning a bet. Whinesy heroically dove to his left to superbly keep out the penalty, and keep us level.

This seemed to spur us on, as we looked far the better side after this. Robbo went so close from the left that Chaisty risked looking an absolute knob and started running off to celebrate. Tuesday pulled off a few more unbelievable saves from 1 on 1s, and with less than 2 minutes to play, the ball fell to Elliot on the edge, but he volleyed agonisingly wide from a tough chance. Full time, 1-1.

MOTM: There were a few standout performances in what was overall a below par showing. Chaisty and Flower once again put in stellar performances from full back, Tom was brilliant getting up and down the pitch and Robbo showed some good touches too. However there was only one man I could give this to after his pen save and a few more 1 on 1s, well in Tuesday.

DOTD: Continuing his run of either being man of the match or dick of the day in every single game this year, Sam Moss’ dismissal had him nailed on.

Law A 2 - 1 Engin Loco

Isaac ⚽️

Jonny ⚽️

It doesn’t get much more vintage than a last minute winner on a cold afternoon at pontcanna. Despite a thin squad, we put in one of the best Law performances in my time at the club to beat last year’s runners up. We started well, conceding next to no chances for Engin and looking dangerous ourselves, our first real breakthrough came when Johnny chased a loose ball and nicked it from under the keeper to put us 1-0 up. A questionable linesman decision and some indecisive refereeing ended in the goal being ruled out. Not much later Isaac, on his Law debut, played a perfectly weighted cross into the box for Johnny to calmly finish and put Law into the lead. Thanks to a Kiraly-esque save with his feet from Moody (joggers and all), we headed into half time 1-0 up.

The second half started with a tough spell under a lot of pressure. We dug deep and did well to limit Engin to minimal opportunities thanks to some stand out performances in defence. Our very own James Milner, Mossy, making a goal saving block whilst covering for the injured Jayden on the right side of the back 3; chaisty covering every single blade of grass like a prime N’golo Kante and Staffy defending like a young Maldini with only one working ankle. Despite our great efforts, we fell short when defending a corner (as inevitable as mills necking a fatty on a Wednesday evening) and the score was level. 1-1.

Energy was low at this point due a lack of subs after being left short of numbers by a committee holiday. However, we were able to find another gear. Shouts for a clear handball were turned down by a typically shite IMG ref before a long punt forward left the engin CBs and the GK second guessing who should be claiming the ball. Reminiscent of Fernando Torres’ goal vs Man City in the 13/14 season, Isaac wasted no time and punished the indecisive defenders by rounding the keeper and slotting the ball home to round off a 9/10 debut. 2-1 Law in the dying minutes. Scenes.

MOTM: Isaac Heater

DOTD: None

Law A 3-2 Gym Gym

Luca ⚽️⚽️

Moody ⚽️

After Millsy very comfortably took the reigns last week as I was away on a scouting mission in Spain, clearly he had enforced more discipline as to my surprise Pat and Moss were actually on time. Everyone seemed in good spirits as Staffy turned up as Kurtan from this country, Jonny had a girthy cucumber locked and loaded on case things got spicy, and Flower had some Flowers as a prop for the SU.

Onto the game, we started slowly against a side that pressed us like they were being chased by Mills on a one man Revs trip and attacked set pieces like they were keeping him away from a close relative. For once, I’d argue we weren’t the worst blokes on a pitch down pontcanna, as their part-time James Collins impersonator took as much of a liking to Mossy as the rugby boys in misfits smokers (more on that later). Northing decided to grovel for a start and then shat it after 5 minutes due to a bad case of the sniffles. Thoughts are with you mate.

Pat came into the fold, Robbo dropped deeper and a managerial masterstroke from myself saw Mossy and Luca swap sides to counteract their strength down our right. We began to slowly gain a foothold in the game but were still being rash on the ball at times. We just about scraped by a number of set piece scares from a side that was purely long ball and inshallah. Tuesday pulled off a brilliant save from a free kick to keep it goalless without us creating much at the other end. Despite the entirety of Plaid Cymru giving it large on the sideline, they were soon silenced when one of many immense pieces of pressing from Isaac resulted in a ball through to Luca who decided to wrap one top bins when he could have take it at least 20 yards further in. Bollocks on him, that’s how you play with a cold Tom.

We saw that through to half time but had still struggled to create many quality chances on a pitch so bad even the Gym Gym boys wouldn’t graze their sheep on (only joking, not a Welsh dig Gaffer don’t worry). I emphasised the importance of not giving away set pieces (stay tuned) as well as the need for calm heads (stay tuned) and playing with a bit more quality.

The second half began largely how the first had gone, a bogged down midfield battle with the occasional opening from either side. For all the long ball stick we were giving them, Skully eventually found a beautiful diag across to Luca, who took a touch and volleyed home brilliantly from the angle. Cue absolute limbs, and absolute Welsh fume.

At 2-0 it was imperative we kept our heads and looked for options on the counter. Both full backs had to be on their toes at all times as Gym Gym’s tactic of throwing 6 men in straight lines forward on every attack evolved to overlaps out wide, with both centre halves dealing with the threat from consequent crosses. Unfortunately it was only a matter of time before our luck ran out from set pieces, as a corner was finally converted by Beanpole FC as they headed home amongst many shirt pulls and shoves in the box. The one goal deficit was short lived, as it wasn’t long until another corner was converted with this one definitely having at least 2 fouls take place on their part. To be fair to the ref, the box was more crowded than the silent disco queue and seeing round the size of both sets of players was a task in itself. 2-2, game on.

It’s around about here that tempers flared. Mossy got a huge amount of jip from the sidelines but did well to keep his head despite his “hurt feelings”. Proud of you lad. Once again, the nicest man in IMG went against his usual temperament by putting in a tackle that was probably heard from Cathays resulting in some serious handbags. Fair play to Moody for voluntarily coming off in the aftermath. In all seriousness (insert Frank Lampard meme here) the ref handled it really well and was comfortably the best we had all year.

Just as it looked like we’d thrown all our hard work away, Luca was dragged down in the box with 2 minutes to go. Cue the cockiest penalty taker Cardiff has ever seen. Cue absolute pandemonium. 3-2, massive fucking club.

MOTM: Was genuinely a hard decision as I can’t really fault anyone who was on the pitch at any point yesterday, but for two screamers taken from unnecessarily far out: Luca.

DOTD: On a week like that, this wrote itself. Tom “sick note” Northing. Dose up on the night nurse next time lad.

Law A 4-1 Psycho Athletico

Pat ⚽️

Elliott ⚽️

Jonny ⚽️

Robbo ⚽️

In one of the nicest days that pontcanna fields had probably ever seen, HMS piss the league once more set sail, and on a different pitch for once. With the sun beating down with the intensity of Isaacs pressing and Psycho bringing an entourage of women fit to rival Mills’ bedroom wall photo collage, the Law boys were bang up for it.

We started quite well for once, spurred on by the gaffer and Varley, we quickly found our rhythm but had to stay wary of the long ball on the counter. On the topic of Varley, if ever there was an advert that a degree doesn’t guarantee job prospects it’s that man. He’s been graduated best part of 8 months yet this is probably the 5th time I’ve seen him up on Cardiff, and seeing as he puts up with staying in Mossy Pat and Hash’s shithole, he clearly has nothing much to hurry home for. Love you really Varley x.

Back to the game, and it was one way traffic. The toughest aspect was insuring we won the midfield battle, as Psycho channeled their inner Gammon-Ancelotti by playing a midfield diamond with all 4 playing on the mould of a more aggressive Lee Cattermole. The referee was certainly not best pleased to be spending his Wednesday afternoon with us reprobates, but that was no excuse for Tom to sarcastically clap him like a nobhead. Poor from you. We struggled for a proper opening, until a free kick 25 yards out on the left was wrapped into the top corner by Pat with more finesse than Bruno Mars ft. Cardi B (very forced joke there, apologies). Shortly after Luca saw a back post volley sliced worse than Luca North’s face (more on that later) but other than that, we went into half time content but wary.

One thing I stressed at half time was not being a knob to the ref, hence taking Northing off. One thing we also had to do was keep our concentration defensively, as the infrequent chances Psycho had were through our misjudgements.

To be perfectly honest, I can’t really remember much of minute 45-65 or so, must’ve been more boring than Ben Jordan’s chat circa our joint social. All I can say is fuck me can Isaac press. According Robbo on the sidelines he runs everywhere he goes, be it Robbos flat, the pub, etc. I’m living for the day I’m walking to a lecture and I see that man sprinting across campus. There has to be a nickname in there for West Ham’s answer to Mo Farah. Anyway, eventually Jonny got bored of trying to press to the same intensity for all of the 3 minutes he tried to, and decided instead to fall over in the box. Queue Penniott Poody - you know the rest. 2-0. Seeing as Elliott had drawn level on the top scorers chart, Jonny decided to break past his part and power a finish into the bottom corner shortly after to make the score line comfortable. Having said that, Moody must have a fucking immense Goals-per-minute record at the moment, seeing as he either has come on for a pen or been self substituted in case of head loss in all phase 2 games thus far. Modern day Rickie Lambert.

After a self-confessed poor opening 15 after coming on, Robbo remembered he had legs and shortly after rouletting some poor cunt, he decided to carry the ball from the halfway line with a first touch filthier than the cathays sofas he surfs most weeks before rolling a finish into the corner. 4-0 wasn’t flattering, we were very good value for it. Just as it looked as if we were cruising to a clean sheet, the Psycho striker breaks through on goal. Hearts in mouths, heads in hands, the goal at his mercy. The world goes into slow motion as he draws back his right foot to surely grab a consolat - oh no, Dan Flower has sprinted 30 yards full tilt to fold the poor bloke like a deck chair whilst getting nothing of the ball. I say it every week but that man is PG off the pitch, but certified GBH on it. Despite not turning up for training on a Monday, and no doubt begrudging the fact that the game was on a Wednesday, Tuesday sprung himself brilliantly to his left to save the pen. Not before he was done thinking about all the celebratory toast he was going to eat once home, we conceded a stupidly soft goal, but that’s by the by. 4-1, full time, some great items brought (shite karaoke from Isaac mind) and a heartfelt apology from Mossy to the poor ref. Cheers, and onto the bevs.

MOTM: In a game with multiple standout performers, this man took being dropped last week personally a lá Michael Jordan circa 1993 and covered every blade of grass with more vigour than he coats his lovely Essex hair with glue/hairspray. Also scored a fucking beautiful free kick tbf. Pat McManus.

DOTD: Sorry to bring it up again lad - just shows what a lovely bloke he is that he apologised in the As chat despite the fact that we didn’t even concede the pen, but purely based upon the fact that the speed and power of the impact of that tackle could rival the Big Bang, it’s Dan Flower (in the pouring raiiiiiiin 🎶).

Law A 1 - 2 Cricket FC

Jonny ⚽️

The less said about this one the better.

Stepping onto the fields of Paschendaele 1917, Law were greeted by a side that had only turned up twice all season but had decided that today would be their cup final. Zero footballing ability but some respectable commitment to the cause, cheered on by some traffic cones on the sidelines.

Law started off brightly, getting into some good positions but no real final third quality. This was until Jonny decided to twat one in from thirty yards, shades of Tony Yeboah. 1-0 up and cruising, all we had to do was keep our heads. Step forward Sam Moss. Wound up by the Cricket massive, Mossy lost his head rather easily and began to give away a multitude of silly challenges. It was not a surprise when the man decided to scissor his attacker in the box minutes later, giving away yet another penalty. Completely bamboozled by the prospect of a lefty, I dived the wrong way from my goalkeeping philosophy for what would have been a regulation save. 1-1. Halftime ensued shortly after.

Stepping back onto no-man’s land, we found ourselves dominating possession once again but were restricted to half chances by a very Sunday league style defence. Finally, with around 20 minutes left Jonny broke through the lines. He had two options. A. Round the keeper or B. Sweaty. Jonny chose neither and the ball ended up in the German trench. Not long after and we were behind after a hopeful long ball ended up being poked home. 1-2. The corridor of uncertainty playing true to its name. More static play followed as the ref relieved us of our misery shortly after.

DOTD - Everyone but especially Mossy

MOTM - No-one

Law A 4 - 2 Engin Loco

Moody ⚽️⚽️

OG ⚽️

Jonny ⚽️

Unfortunately this report for this game was never released so I’m picking up the pieces. On the back of the cricket loss, we required goals and lots of as we knew goal difference would come in to play were we to win the last couple games.

For all I can remember it was a hard-fought game devoid of quality. Lots of chances inevitably led to a couple of goals for Moody in the first half, marked by the trademark penalty. Potentially an own goal late on as we went into the break 3-1 up. A soft penalty given against Staffy put Engin back into contention before someone, possibly Jonny, finished them off later into the piece. 4-2. Despite the scoreline, the 3 points gave us an outside change for the title going into the last game of the season….

Law A v Psycho Athletico

We rocked up to the sunniest Pontcanna field I have ever seen knowing that the league title was still up for grabs, albeit a very tall order if Gym Gym were to beat Engin as expected. The stipulations were essentially if Gym Gym won, we needed to win by 6 goals MORE than they did. With this in mind, yours truly decided to be a footballing terrorist for one last time as Law captain and fully Guardiola’d up, playing a 3-2-5 formation to start us off. Spirits were high, Moody didn’t actually have a knock for once, and with Stollie sat in a meeting until 3 in his full law kit, we got underway.

Psycho had turned us round for the first half meaning we were playing into the wind, which provided a very cagey opening 10 minutes. We struggled to get out, and with the wingbacks being instructed to stay high we found it challenging to find them as an outball. Despite rumours of only having 8/9 men or even playing centre halves up top, Psycho certainly weren’t playing like a team with nothing to play for, as they arguably had the best of the opening exchanges. There was a huge gap beginning to open up in the middle, and unlike Pep, I decided to change the system 20 minutes in to revert to a simple 4-4-2 in order to link the wide areas better.

This soon began to pay dividends, with a number of half chances coming our way, and us getting a lot more joy in wide areas. Robbo began to drift into little half spaces like Dorset’s answer to David Silva and Jonny was beginning to get a bit more service. It would be those two that linked up for Robbo to stab an attempt goalwards which hit the post and appeared to cross the line but the ref wasn’t having it. Some could say that we had one to cash in with the ref now, but more on that later.

We continued to be the dominant side, as another contentious decision saw us denied a penalty for a push in Jonnys back that was deemed to be outside the area. Just after this, I got word from Pat that Gym Gym had taken the lead over on pitch 9, meaning as it stood we needed 7 unanswered goals at 0-0 in the 40th minute. Light work. Immediately after this news, we crafted two gilt-edged chances, as Jonny got on the end of a lovely cross from Luca only to slice it over the bar from 6 yards out. Shortly after Chaisty popped up on the left wing for some reason, putting a header from 4 yards out straight into the keepers hands. With 5 to go until half time, it really looked like it wasn’t going to be our day, until Jonny stuck one away to hopefully open the floodgates from Robbo doing his best Rory Delap impression, half time 1-0.

At half time, Mills lit a bit of a rocket under some players arses, which I think was warranted. Despite being far the better team, we weren’t working as it we were a team with a title on the line, and needed to just do things a bit smarter. I stressed the importance of now having the wind with us in the second half, doubling up in the wide areas, and most of all keeping our collective heads. We had 45 minutes to get 6 goals, which wasn’t outside the realms of possibility. Moody went on up top with Moss moving to left back after Flower picked up a knock.

It wasn’t long until Moody made his presence known, and as you can all imagine he was very humble about it. Moss did well to travel down the line (genuinely think it’s the first time I’ve ever seen him beat a man from a dribble) as he pulled back for Moody to bobble a shot under the keepers hand and into the corner. It wasn’t too much longer until a bouncing ball along the edge of the box was hit so sweetly by Moody on the half volley to make it 3. However just as we were getting momentum, we got the news that Gym Gym had gone 2-0 up, meaning that we now needed 8.

Most of this write-up has probably seemed boringly normal and sensible so far, and that because that’s how the game and they day had felt up until that point. However everything from here on out is frankly an out of body experience, so prepare yourself for what will I’m sure be incomprehensible reading.

Jesse decided to take some time off from being the 7 a side Maldini (Lloydee’s words) to come and watch us along with more of the 7s, and not long after, Engin pulled one back against Gym Gym meaning we were back to only needing a mere 7. Again, light work. It was at this point two of the Gym Gym boys decided to come pay us a visit and claim that they’d shat it and were now drawing 2-2. Obviously this was complete bollocks, as they were literally grinning while telling us. That didn’t stop Jesse from falling hook line and sinker for it mind, and resulted in me sending Agents Jordan and Regen over to the Gym Gym game, where tbf they had begun to shat it and conceded one.

Around this point, even more so than the rest of the game, it was heavier one way traffic than the entranceway into Mills’ bedroom as we tried to find the remaining goals we needed. Chaisty thought he was on Soccer AM, twatting a clearance about 60 feet up in the air which landed directly onto the crossbar. Fuck me the limbs if that had gone in. Tom Northing managed to wriggle himself some room in the box to stab home from a few yards until the ref decided his hands are by his shins and disallowed it for handball. Yet again it was looking like it wasn’t going to be our day as we approached the 80th minute needing 4 goals, until a very panicked Regen calls me and tells me that Gym Gym had embodied my favourite autumnal dessert - and crumbled. 2-2, meaning all we needed to do was win. I tried to keep the composure on the sidelines but I think that Tuesday twigged, so I made sure he kept hush, as soon enough Gym Gym continued to blue balls us going 3-2 up again.

From here I’m definitely going to get details wrong as fuck knows what possessed us but we became 2009 Barca. We were awarded a pen with 10 plus added to go which Moody duly dispatched as he’s done all season. Moments later, Northing drifts out to the left and floats a lovely cross into the box for Jonny to leap like a dispraxic salmon and nod home to suddenly put us within two. It couldn’t happen could it?

I glanced over to see wild Gym Gym celebrations as the full time whistle had been blown over on pitch 9. After all, the lads that lost to cricket wouldn’t go and score 7 would they? Moments later a lovely lofted through ball was played by I think Mossy (?) who by the way put in a valiant shift for 45 at left back - went through to Moody who duly added his fourth by lifting the ball over the keeper and into the back of the net. Fuck me. Surely not.

The 90 was long over by this point, and thus is the rules of IMG that the ref has no obligation to play added time. Mills managed to successfully negotiate him from 3 added minutes up to 6, but he ended up playing 10 the absolute shagger. Tbf Psycho were time wasting over goal kicks at 6-0 down the shithouses, so my sympathy was in short supply.

Quick as a flash, we had a break down the left. Moss pulled back into a good area and after a 50/50 the ball broke to Luca. He let fly from the edge with his majestic left foot.

Time stood still. Mills started thinking about VKs and Taly. Tuesday forgot it was a Wednesday. Gym Gym hearts about to fall out through their arses.

Crossbar.

Head: in hands

Cock: soft

Thoughts of 30 VKs and regrettable decisions: Netflix and a sad wank.

At this point Mr Elgan (basically the Vince McMahon of IMG for you wrestling fans) wanders on over just to double check that Law hadn’t done the unthinkable. He asks me what the score was. In a panic worse than Waino waking up in Taly (which I’m told has happened 4 times this year, kept that quiet mate) I frantically asked him to verify that a 7-0 win would win us the league. He confirmed.

As it turns out (and I’m sure we’ll get Jesses POV) the 7s lads had to leave at 6-0 to get back to Taly, and had gone past the Gym Gym pitch to warn them that we only needed one more. Obviously due to their shite banter earlier in the game, they took no heed to this at all, and proceeded to sing “Championes” in Jesses face. Additionally, Elgan had left them with one of the banners saying IMG Champions 2023 because obviously we won’t score 7.

Jesse replies “nah lads I’m serious, have a look”. And this is exactly what those Gym Gym boys stared across and saw.

Tuesday embodied his inner Alisson Becker by charging up for a corner in the last minute. 90+10, squeaky bum time. Halaand had decided to be a premadonna and sack off his last game and instead sink a bottle of wine and watch us (can’t see that ending badly) and was poised behind the goal. The ball is floated in in slow motion. Skully nudges it goalwards. The ball then proceeds to hit off 7 defenders, someone’s left bollocks, the keepers shinpad and probably even the fuck off massive dog that old bloke had on the sideline.

A huge scramble ensues. Then, a whistle.

GOAL.

Law A 7-0 Psycho Athletico

OG ⚽️

Jonny ⚽️⚽️

Moody ⚽️⚽️⚽️⚽️

Oh my word. Absolute bedlam, every law boy in attendance proceeds to go absolutely batshit, sprinting about like headless chickens, hugging and kissing (they’ve got love bites and everything Jeff) - even Stollie who had turned up late in full kit a la John Terry 2012. Absolute carnage. We’d done it.

Over on pitch 9, the 7s watched on as Gym Gym collapsed to their feet like Phil Jones at the stadium of light. Welsh tears (apologies Gaffer et al) never tasted so sweet. Elgan couldn’t believe it, and had to go take the champions sign back off a devastated Gym Gym. Engin let off pyro in their faces just to spite them, and as such me and Flower bought their skipper 3 VKs in the SU. Fucking lovely bloke him.

We’d done it. Against all odds, with every team hating us, and with Moss playing for us, we’d actually gone and done it.

I won’t get too soppy, but I’m so proud of you boys and of us as a club as a whole. Couldn’t have asked for a better way to end what has been an incredible year, and it’s been an honour to lead you all.

Player of the Season - Luca Williams

Top Goalscorer - Elliott Moody and Jonny Bridges

Respect to the undervalued defence and goalkeeper for not conceding an open-play goal all year.

To those who are leaving this year, you all leave as legends of Law FC, and to those here next year, continue to carry the torch for the biggest club at Cardiff Uni both on the pitch and in the SU.

So for maybe the final time,

Peace, love, and Uppa Fucking Law,

Clem and Tuesday x